Recovering

It's been 7 weeks since my "mommy makeover" surgery. I kind of hate that term. Mommys are awesome and don't need to be made over. Nobody needs to do anything to their body. Lot's of women make these changes to their bodies that haven't had children. Lots of women who have had children opt to not make any changes at all to their bodies. So, let's just outline what I had done: I had an umbilical hernia (intestines coming through the hole in my abdominal wall at my belly button) repair, a diastasis recti (abdominal muscle separation) repair, an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck), and a breast augmentation. I can't hang my hat on any mental illness which made me feel a need to do this surgery. No trauma (other than the trauma to my body caused by growing a human). Was it societal pressure? Nobody ever said my breasts weren't great. Scott always seemed to like them. I was able to wear normal clothing. I was able to do normal activities. They didn't need a lift. Prior to my first breast augmentation they were flat. Basically nipple on skin. I decided I wanted to look and feel more womanly. I wanted to wear dance costumes without gapping at the bust. I wanted to shop in the women's section of the store for a swimsuit. At the time, there weren't a lot of these cute online shops with "double A" sized bras. There were a few bras here and there that worked and some swimsuits that worked. Allow me to describe... When I was a teen I shopped in the childrens section of the department store. I found these lightly padded underwire type bras. I also found these swimsuit fabric tank tops to wear as "tankinis". I cut the straps off the bra and sewed it into the tankini and finally fashioned a swimsuit that fit my figure. I wore that suit until it was thread bare. I want to challenge the idea that medically changing one's body means they hated their body in its natural state. I want to challenge the idea that we, as women and particularly as mothers who, miraculously, grow humans with our bodies, birth them, and then feed them again- with our bodies, need to embrace the changes that can sometimes come to our bodies. Am I conforming to societies view of how my body should be or am I simply restoring my body to its former state? And, when a woman decides to go ahead and conform to societies view of beauty standandards and makes the choice to go beyond restoration and make changes is that wrong or bad? Are we not all conforming to beauty standards to some degree? Does the woman who opts to not shave her leg hair also allow her little chin hairs to continually grow? It's pretty complicated to recon with these choices but, here we are. I'm having more thoughts after the initial date of this post (1/2). It's 1/27. I've just attended a babyshower for a dear friend. The gals at the party were chatting about how one of them felt when her husband asked her, while rather pregnant and with a larger belly, how/why she was wearing skinny jeans. He asked the question innocently enough. He wasn't saying "you're too big to be wearing those" or "your body is gross to me know" or anything horrible. It was presented like he inteneded to ask the queston innocently but that he friend was still offended by the question. Another friend chimed in and mentioned that she posted pictures years ago and that "someone in this room" made the comment about how "skinny" she looked in the photos...that person was me apparently! I was horrified that I was being accused of something that seemed bad. I felt bad for commenting on a friends body "you were skinny" as though I implied she was smaller then than she was when I made the comment. I couldn't stop thinking about all of this...isn't being on the hill of body positivity NOT reacting to our changing size as a bad thing in ether diretion? Shouldn't it be similar to saying "your hair was so long in that photo!" and have it be innocent?

18 Summers

There's a lot of sentimental people who point out that "you only get 18 summers with your kids" and there's been research that shows that you spend your greatest portion of time with small children when your own kids are little and that amount dramatically tapers off as they grow- which seems obvious yet, when you step back a sense of urgency builds and the "mom guilt" kicks in. Are we spending enough time with our kids? Do I yell too much? Are they turning into good humans? This summer I'm trying to let go of all of the second guessing and simply do my best. Before Scott and I went on our week long vacation to Long Beach and a cruise I implemented a "checklist" for the boys. Here's the list: Get dressed Brush teeth Brush hair (mostly for Patrick as he is growing his hair out and it looks like a frizzy disaster most of the time) tidy living room tidy bedroom cleaning task practice piano for Patch fill up Dinah's food and water bowls for Max Typically it takes us until about 1:00 to get through this list. I'll make breakfast and let the boys play until they start fighting. When they stop getting along I say "ohp, let's get going on our tasks" which is probably not the best strategy. I don't want them to feel like cleaning is "punishment". I try to position it like "well, I think we need to separate and focus our energy on getting through our daily checklist". Who knows if that's working. They'll probably talk about it in therapy one day. Just add it to the list. The good news is, I'm feeling much less overwhelmed by our home. I've been trying to declutter and while I've slowed down my concentrated efforts on decluttering I'm still feeling more and more at peace at home. I'm trying to lay the foundation for the kids that we are a family. We work together to take care of the space that we share and I feel like we talk through this "why" all the time. It feels like I'm doing the right thing. Aside from our daily checklists we have been having LOTS of fun with Katelyn and Erik's wedding, our cruise, a road trip to Idaho, a quick overnight camp trip near Nephi, hosting a 4th of July party at my parents, hosting a 24th of July party at our house, attending the somewhat annual 24th of July party (on the 22nd) at Brad and LuAnns, paddleboarding on Deer Creek, Lagoon with Madie and Eva, a birthday shopping spree with Madie and Eva at Savers (an annual tradition), hosting an outdoor movie, a couple trips to Get Air, the drive in movie with Kathie, Taylorsville Dayz, and a bit more. It's been a fun and busy summer...possibly one among the 18 that will stand out. Possibly not. I just hope these kids know we love them a whole heck of a lot.

Content

In 2014 I played Blanche Barrow in the regional premier of the Frank Wildhorn musical Bonnie and Clyde. Blanche was a God fearing woman who was pretty irritated with her husband and brother in law for scheming and plotting to rob banks and make easy money. She wanted a simple life which of course the character sings about in an emotional ballad: Just an ordinary life Easy days and quiet nights Lazy walks beside a stream, Now that's what you call a dream No ideas and no big plans Happy with the way things are No one with a scam or scheme, Now that's what you call a dream These dreams of yours make no sense at all It's what's inside, not what's out there We both could have a perfect life, And not go anywhere. You miss a lot when you ask too much You're all I need, not one thing more, Buck All I ever wanted is on this side of the door. Children playing in the barn Buck is rocking in his chair In the house the candles gleam, Now that's what you call a dream In the house the candles gleam, Now that's what you call a dream For years when people ask me how I'm doing I frequently respond "Oh, just over here living the dream" no matter what I'm doing. Sitting at a desk at work. Driving kids to school. Making dinner. Cleaning toilets. Bathing in the sun on the beach in Hawaii. Changing a poopy diaper. Having brunch with friends. All of it is "the dream". Lately I find myself feeling this season of my life is all about the simple things. It's about simplifying. It's about enjoying what we have and embracing the chaos that is raising small children. It's about saying no to the things that compromise home life. It's about saying yes to opportunities that will enrich home life. One of my big goals this year is to simplify and the actionable thing I've really tackled on that is decluttering. I've been parting ways with clothing and toys and house gadgets and books and dishes and all manner of things that are cluttering our home. The fewer things I have to manage, the more time I'll have to be with my kids and the more mental energy I'll have to truly relax and enjoy. Everone who knows me knows that I love to play. I love activity. Scott and I will frequently forgoe weekends where we can do house projects to take advantage of an invitation for fun. We are spontaneous and love a good time. On the day to day I make a conscious effort to sit down and play with the kids. We play LEGO and board games and draw and do science experiments. I'll sit and read to them in the middle of the day. I hope that's a memory they hold onto- mom payed with us. She enjoyed us. The point is, if I have less clutter, I can enjoy all of that play time more and the moments when we do decide to clean up will be more managable for all of us. There's other clutter in life- lots of possible distractions. Right now I'm trying to stay focused on nursing school and my little family but dang it I LOVE theater and I miss it. It's been hard to remind myself that now is not the time! A couple of months ago a friend reached out to me and asked me if I'd audition for Polly in Crazy for You. This role would have been perfect for me- a spirited independent woman falls in love with a banker from out of town all the while singing Gershwin music. I was thinking it could be a sort of "swan song" before starting nursing school. I auditioned and the production team liked me but thankfully the production got cancelled due to funding. It was honestly such a relief and that expereince confirmed that I'm to remain focused for now on this other dream of being a nurse. Scott finished a run of Anastasia with the Salty Dinner Theater last week and as I put together the family calendar for March it made my heart so happy to see so many open days. I feel a contentment. A sense of peace. After so much decluttering I'm becoming more content with the contents of our home (see what I did there?!). This peace and contentment... I hope it's not the calm before the storm. I sense that it's just I'm finally allowing myself to enjoy slower days. Being the mother of young children will do that I suppose. They just thrive when they're at home and allowed to free play. They don't need constant activity and rigid structure. Patrick's school calls their ideal home life a "rhythm" which I love. I don't like rushing my kids around from place to place. Anyone who knew me intimately 4 years ago would probably not recognize this version of me and that's ok. Like I said, I'm content.

The Dirty Truth- language warning

Well, the literal shit has almost literally hit the literal fan. We had an amazing 10 day trip to Hawaii in October (Side note, October is the best time to go to Hawaii. Fewer crowds and more consistently good weather) and the weekend after we got home I headed out for a long awaited girls trip with Bonnie and the Bastian girls at Tammy's house in Saint George. Well, I returned on Sunday and as we were driving home I get a call from Scott that our basement has flooded from a sewer back up...AGAIN. The 3rd basement flood in 3 years and the second sewer backup one.So, for the past 3.5 weeks I've been managing that problem part time since then. There was a literal turd on the floor by the sewer drain in the basement. I was mortified. Our poor tenant uprooted again. I refunded her rent for the month and we've been coordinating getting things taken care of. It's been exhausting and expensive. My two least favorite things. Our house is constantly a mess (thank you children and busy parents) and constantly in need of this little repair or that little repair. I frequently find ways to put small "bandaids" on issues and we're calling it "deferred maintenance". I told Scott that what I want for Christmas this year is a work day. For him to arrange babysitting and to get all the necessary supplies and for us to get some stuff done in the house. Installing that smart thermostat that we got half way through installing and then it was dangling on the wall by it's electrical wires...so I used medical tape to stick it back on the wall. It's been stuck there with tape for months....MONTHS. Yeah, stuff like that. So, there's the shit show in the basement and then there's this morning. Oh boy. We all have mornings like this but it's important to acknowledge them so other's know it's not just them! As I'm getting Maxwell dressed Clara is crawling around the boy's room and finds something that interests her. This is common so I just let her fiddle around with whatever. Well, this time she found a special "potion" Patrick had made. I frequently do not now the origins of these ingredients. Sometimes I do. I'd just instated a rule yesterday or the day before about discussing potions with me prior to creating them so that I can stop him from using things like fluf, a fun little kinetic foam sand type substance that Andrea got us for Christmas last year. He'd used that to make "slime" about a week ago. The creativity never ends and it's such a tough thing to balance "yes, go for it! Make a mess! use our supplies! Create!" and "omg, I'm overwhelmed and we are wasting and distroying stuff". I'm certain I'm not the only one with this problem so, the rule was intended to make space for creativity while setting boundaries like not putting a blue paint and kinetic sand potion under your dresser where your sister can get to it. She got to it. Then Patrick, attempting to solve the problem, grabbed the vacuum and spread the paint everywhere. Then, I plop Clara in the bath and get the spot bot going on the rug and she POOPS IN THE TUB!!! So I empty the tub and while attempting to drain and clean it, she crawls out of the bathroom and POOPS ON THE HALL RUG! Patrick and Max asked to craft using fabric to sew a star (go for it buddy!) and clay to make creations (yes, please do!) That was my morning. And all before 10 AM. The good news is, Patrick made breakfast for everyone basically all on his own and Maxwell tidied the living room wihtout being asked so, I guess I'm doing something right. But damn, this morning was rough. That's life! And still, in spite of it all, I found myself just laughing and thinking...I need to write a blog post about this. So, here we are. Now I'm done and headed into a pile of dishes. Or maybe studying for microbiology. Or maybe Christmas shopping if I can get away with it.

The Tug

Every few months I feel the tug to document life and my little family here in my blog. I suppose these days blogs are a bit antiquated. Particularly when used for purely journaling purposes. Most of my peers seem to document their families on Instagram and if they're really serious about things, they'll print their posts for the year in a bound book. Here I am though, continuing to write in this digital journal. The holidays have now come to a close. We are 4 months into 2022...how the heck did that happen? We have been coming out of our Covid Caccoon a bit more; seeing friends and family. Hosting gatherings. Attending gatherings. *GASP* Prior to coming out of this caccoon Scott did contract the dreaded bug. The C****...the Rona... none of the rest of us got it and afterwards the numbers in Utah plumetted so, we decided it might be time to live again. Anywho, 2022 has started with a bang. Scott and I went to see Hamilton, I took a pole dance class with some friends, I've been going to weekly sociology class, We hosted a neighborhood pancake breakfast (just for fun), we attended a family super bowl party, we hosted a neighborhood "pie party" on 3/14, we went to Lava Hot Springs with Scott's family, we hosted friends for dessert, we hosted different friends for St Patrick's Day, we attended my twin cousnin's joint birthday party, we attended two Jazz games, Scott saw "School of Rock" at Hale Center Theatre, we attended the BYU Singers Reunion Concert and reception, we attended grandma Jean's birthday party, I got away to Midway for an overnight trip with some girlfriends (I pumped almost 30 oz of milk while I was gone from Clara!), Max and Patch started soccer, Patch started piano, we celebrated Patrick's birthday (rather quietly with just one of his friends Maverick), Patrick attended the birthday party of one of his classmates...we have been BUSY! Moreover, my littles continue to grow and change so much all the time. Their personalities aren't changing so much- I think they are who they are for the most part- but they're learning and growing so much. They're asking questions. We are all making lots of mistakes and apologizing lots. Clara is the only one out of all of us that is perfect (that includes the dog. Dinah is far from perfect). Clara is developping one flaw though- SHE HAS 2 TEETH COMING IN!!! She's starting to bite down pretty hard when she nurses but she's still basically perfect. :) Those are my quick thoughts and updates. Nothing clever or sentimental to close out. Shocking, I know.

3 is in fact company

Clara Charlene Moore is here. She's just barely 3 months old and seems to be thriving. Our little family feels, in so many ways, just like the one I grew up in. A rambunctious older brother, a tender middle child, and a perfect baby sister (that was me, I was the perfect baby sister. jokes jokes). Really though, Clara looks like me and was also born in Septmeber so, thus far- we're twinning. Scott and I have adjusted to the new normal being parents of three children but, babies change so much in the first year we know it will continually be an adjustment. The reality is that you're always making adjustments really. New developments. New interests and activities. But adding a new sibling really throws everyone for a while and the boys seem to be doing well. Patrick started 1st grade at Wasatch Charter School. He says he doesn't like school but often excitedly shares details of the activities, games, crafts (mostly frog/finger knitting), and some of what they're learning. He shows interest in numbers and science but HATES being drilled when we do "Khan" math on the computer which, unfortunately, requires quite a bit of reading (word problems like "what number is missing?") and isn't necessarily very "fun". He prefers the computer program "Lexia" but still doesn't even love that. It seems like he's something of a perfectionist and gets frustrated by these computer programs. He says his favorite parts of school are eurythmie and hand crafts and being outside. He loves to chat about numbers. He loves to ask "how many people are there in the world?" He's very curious in general. The other night he asked me where the coldest place in the world is. I guessed Syberia but that question led me on a search for informtaion about the most snowy place in the world which I found out is on an island in Japan that gets an average of 26 feet of snowfall each year. Now I want to travel there. I'm not a perfect parent but I'm very comfortable admitting when I don't know the answers to things and if I have the time, I love to look up the answers to Patrick's questions. We've learned a lot together. Patrick challenges me in other ways too- mostly emotionally. He can get me fired up real quickly but he and I are both learning how to better control our tempers. I am in awe of him. Here's a cute little story: We recently watched some Daniel Tiger (we're trying to prep Maxwell for potty training and they have a cute potty song). There was an episode where something bad happened and they talked about "turning things around". About a week later, I was making a pumpkin spice coffee cake and had a substantial batch of homemade pumpkin pie spice sitting on the counter. Maxwell decided to grab about 1/4 cup full of spice and dump it into the batter. I got really mad and sent him to his room (poor guy, I realized after the fact that he wasn't being naughty and felt bad for punishing him). Patrick said, "I'll taste it mom. It's good! Remember Daniel Tiger talks about turning bad things around". I hugged Patch and told him he was right. I went back into the boy's room and hugged Max and apologized for getting angry and told him he could come out. Being a mother is the absolute most humbling thing I've ever done. It's wild because as a mother this humbling experience happens every. single. day. It's not a one time event. Back to updates on the kids, Maxwell. Sweet Maxwell is growing up so fast. He'll be 3 in just a couple of days. As of her 2 month check up, Clara was almost EXACTLY the size Maxwell was at birth (he was 10 lbs, 2 oz and she was 10 lbs 4 oz). He's always been physically big with a gigantic noggin. He's gotten rather clumsy lately and "bonks" his "noggin" daily. I can often kiss it better and sometimes we call in reinforcements which are often Lolo the stuffed bear or a piece of Halloween candy. Max helps unload the dishwasher almost daily and lately has started to enjoy rinsing the baby bottles. He knows that once he completes this chore he gets to watch "New Octonauts". When Patrick is in school we have our little pattern to the day. We walk "Patchie" to school. Max always wants to have his jacket zipped up when we go outside and believes that nearly every pair of his shoes are "fast". While walking back from the school he likes to stop at the river to throw in leaves or sticks. Once we get home we finish up breakfast, do the dishes, and play with toys. He can usually wrangle me in to joining whatever game. He's developping quite the personality complete with a firey temper. I blame myself that these boys both have hot heads. Love em anyway and thankfully, they seem to love me. When Maxwell watches his shows I run around cleaning. Every day. The cleaning is never done. My friends tease me that when I'm video chatting with them I'm always doing dishes. They're not wrong. When Maxwell finishes his shows we eat lunch and he often wants to go on a ride on the power wheels. Then I read him stories and he goes for his "rest". That kid is an epic napper and will often nap for close to 3 hours and still go to bed at 7:30 PM. Bless his heart for napping so well!!! He's a sweetie. A little story about Max: When we went to Disney with Grandma Bonnie and Grandpa Steve over Thanksgiving Maxwell was excited about every single ride. He rode the Pirates of the Caribbean ride 3 times and did an incredible job patiently waiting in all of the lines. Pirates wound up being one of his favorites. Last week we went to the Hogle Zoo for Purple's holiday party. We were over in the sea life section of the zoo and "A Pirates Life for Me" started playing over the speakers. Max got so excited and stopped in his tracks to listen and when I finally got his attention he ran up to me saying "mom! mom! It's the Pirates of the Caribbean!!!" Then he simply had to share this revelation with his daddy only this time he called it "the carrots of the pirabean". Bahahahahahahaha. Too funny. These 3 little hooligans (as I've grown fond of calling them lately) are the best part of my life. Scott and I feel like we're pretty dang good co-captains and man oh man life is good.

Future Plans

Scott and I celebrated 10 years of marriage/ his 35th birthday two weekends ago. Yes, yes, we celebrated a bit early. I figured that by the time August rolls around I'll be pretty uncomfortable so, the idea of trying to get away and celebrate then didn't sound very appealing. Anyway, the 10 years of marriage milestone has given me pause to think quite often about what life was like 10 years ago and what it might be like 10 years from now. My dad always likes to point out that no matter what, time will go by. So, where do you want to be? I decided quietly several months ago to pursue nursing. It's something that's been in the back of my mind since I was in high school. Nursing has always been a top carreer option for me and for a while was my absolute number one. I even recently stumbled across a Facebook post I made in May of 2012, just after graduating from BYU. I listed some top career options. 1: Disney Princess 1a: teacher 2: nurse. Even after I finished my degree I was leaning toward nursing. I'm not certain why teaching took the lead there upon graduation. Perhaps it was because the barrier to entry seemed easier and the job seemed more managable as a mom which I knew was something I wanted to be eventually. Anyway, I have a lot of healthcare workers in my life: my sister in law, her husband, their daughter, two of my cousins, one of my dearest friends. I've observed as they've grown or begun to grow their careers. I've observed as they've balanced parenting/motherhood and nursing. The Pandemic has brought some things to light 1: healthcare workers are overworked and underpaid and I see (read hope for) some major changes in our country's health care system in the coming years. 2: Learning became primarily remote- even the nursing students were doing their labs and simulations and many of their clinicals remotely (my CNA course was almost fully online with a lab dedicated to just me when I wanted to go pass off things etc) 3: in a short while I will be ready to rejoin the workforce full time and contribute to my family's financial goals (when our youngest, about to be born, enters school full time).3: rarely is one "just a stay at home mom". To those that are- amazing. Wonderful. I support them. I filled my first year of being a SAHM with all kinds of enriching activities for the kids. Patrick is a busy kid and needs lots of stimulation that I alone wasn't able to give him so we saught out play dates and zoo trips and an aquarium pass and a "joy school" with some neighborhood moms. We took basically weekly trips to Costco and had many little activities keeping us busy and entertained and happy. Then the pandemic hit. Scott was furloughed. I was in talks about starting a theater with some friends. I was working part time as a broker. But for the most part, all of that was at home and yet, I was hustling. I kept looking around at so many of the women around me and realized that many of them are actually juggling a side hustle of some kind. I was feeling guilty about wanting to work part time or even considering it but then I realized- so many of these "influencer" types on the internet ARE working. So many of my SAHM friends build side businesses. I enjoy being busy. When I wasn't out and about with the kids, I busied myself in other ways and boom, around October/November it hit me like a ton of bricks- now is the time to pursue nursing. So, while the immediate future holds the birth of our 3rd child, a baby that we're almost certain we will be naming Clara Charlene, I'll be applying for nursing school in a year and continuing to broker and working part time as a CNA between now and then. A big wrench in things- covid is RAGING once again. I had visions of this fall, of course I had lots of plans initially. I made the decision to do nursing and then very shortly after I got pregnant (very intentionally mind you) but you just never know how the timing is going to work out on these things. So, I had it in my mind that I would take my CNA course, start working, have the baby, apply for nursing school and start in the fall. Bahahahahahahahahaha. That was silly. Nobody really told me "Michelle,) that's crazy". Well, I have one dear friend who kind of did but she eventually just kind of accepted my craziness. Anyway, I dove into the CNA thing. Kept brokering. Enrolled in my final prerequisite (introductory biology) and kept growing a baby...oh and mothering/ being a decent wife and half way decent friend. 6 months goes by and here we are. I'm 5 weeks away from delivering this baby, officially a CNA for about 90 days now, done with that biology class (managed a solid B grade- go me!) and covid is raging. I layed some plans for the fall but after doing 6 months of school realized that full time school and part time work and family life- especially with a brand new baby- aren't going to work well together. Further, COVID feels like it's doing its thing and adding another fun layer of complication to all aspects of life. Particularly, I don't feel super good about sending Maxwell to "preschool" now- now that I'm not doing school full time along with part time CNA and broker work and especially not now with COVID. So, my three mornings a week of quiet time with just baby at home aren't looking possible but, I'm feeling ok about it. Keeping Maxwell home feels like the right choice now. But holy crum buckets things have evolved quite a lot over the last 6 mos but it feels meant to be.