What to Expect When You're Expecting...your miscarriage.

My heart is extremely heavy today. I went in for my 12 week OB appointment this morning and my midwife struggled to find the heartbeat. Not too concerning at first since she's new to the office and the equipment is different from what she's used to. We moved rooms to where there was a nicer ultrasound machine. Still nothing. She said a version of the dreaded words "there is no heartbeat"...her version was "I'm not seeing what I want to see" and then later "it's not looking good". She offered to send me to get a scan at a fancy imaging center. I was self paying today because my new insurance (due to the switch to Scott's employers insurance since the loss of my job) isn't covered by my regular OB office. I didn't realize that until today. Something told me to get in there, self pay, and just get seen. I had some spotting since November 8th. I had an ultrasound on Friday the 10th and there was still a heartbeat. Today, nothing. Anyway, I didn't want to pay even more to get another ultrasound if someone else at the office could just take a second look and confirm what my midwife saw. An OB came in and she confirmed. The baby was measuring 8 weeks and a few days and didn't have a heartbeat. I cried. We hugged. It was like they were no longer my doctors. They were my sisters in this pain that is all too common. The pain of carrying a child for a short time and then losing it. It's strange to think that I will probably never see those women again because now they're out of my network. We shared such an impactful moment. I will never forget their faces or the way they embraced me, a complete stranger and their patient. It was so beautifully compassionate and it breaks my heart to think of how many times they have that conversation. How many times the women who miscarry leave their office with red faces and tear streaks running through their makeup. Today I joined a sisterhood of women with angel babies.

My baby didn't have a gender. It hardly had organs at all. BUT, it did have a heart beat. I saw it twice. I started to let myself imagine Patrick holding the baby on a summer morning in June (when the baby was due). He will make such a good big brother when the time comes and we are still so very blessed to have him.

My midwife gave me two options. Since the baby measured 8 weeks and a few days, she said I could opt for a DNC (to have the fetus surgically removed- general anesthesia and everything) or I could take a pill, go into labor, and "release/ expel" the fetus on my own at home. Is it sad that the biggest thing going into my decision was cost? It's a little sad. But, the DNC did seem a bit involved for someone as early in their pregnancy as me. Pain, I can handle pain. So, I opted for the pill. It's a little cruel that I had to pick the pill up at the Costco pharmacy two days before Thanksgiving seeing as how EVERYONE and their dog was there today picking up food for their parties and making sure their prescriptions were filled before the long weekend. I waited for over an hour to get my meds and every person I talked to said something like "have you taken these drugs before" or "looks like you're having a procedure done" etc. after which I got the pleasure of explaining that "no, my unborn child died in my womb 4 weeks ago and this medicine will help it pass". I nearly ran to hide in the maze that is the toilet paper section to curl up in a ball and cry. Instead, I busied myself picking out Christmas presents and looking at a new laptop for me for teaching VIPKid.

Finally, at about 3:00 I was able to get home and take the medication. It's now 4:57 and the bleeding has started. The cramping is subtle. My midwife tells me that 1 in 4 women wind up in the ER (typically because of pain, not bleeding) and I'm preparing for labor. I have no idea what to expect. It will certainly be painful. Could it be more painful than natural delivery of a full term baby? I've done that before and I did quite well.

I just had a cramp that was a bit stronger. This feels a lot like the night before Patrick was born. Dull cramps that rose and fell like tides. These are smaller/ shorter though than with him. There's still more rise and fall than with period cramps though.

I knew by about 8 weeks that something was up with this pregnancy. I was not sick AT ALL. I read somewhere that was ok and normal so, I brushed it off. I started bleeding a couple of weeks later and again, read that was fairly common and if it wasn't bright red or a great quantity, probably nothing to worry about. Still, I called the office with each concern and was assured that it would probably be ok. After the bleeding started and they brought me in for that unscheduled ultrasound and I saw the heartbeat, I tried to calm the crap down. Another week and a half and here we are today. It's so very interesting how these things all happen. We are all so different. Our bodies are all so different but I think as mothers we all have that "intuition" where we know what's going on. I know I did.

What do I do now? Just wait I suppose.

Patience Is a Virtue

I often joke that patience is a virtue that I do not possess. I've joked that way for a long time but, the truth of the matter is that being a mother has tested and grown that virtue in me more over the last 2.5 years than in the previous 15, that is for sure. Sure, I've been patient for things in the past but GOOD. HEAVENS. Being a mother takes piles and piles and piles of patience.

And, let's get real for a second here: for all of Patrick's 2.5 years (save his first 3 months) I've been at work for at least 7 hours a day Monday through Thursday. I gave myself comfort in the fact that he usually spends 2-3 of those hours sleeping but still, I've spent a good portion of daytime hours not mothering. It's a strange realization. Since losing my job at Banner officially on October 6th I've been home with Patch MUCH more and, I've loved it. It has been super duper challenging but, I have loved it.

If I never raised my voice in anger at Patch again or put him in his crib a little less than gently for a time out again, I would feel like a pretty damn perfect mother. But that pesky patience thing is really difficult to cultivate. The good news is, I'm taking this post as an opportunity to get in writing my commitment to continue to improve on my patience as a mother.

I shall return and report soon :)